RAMBLINGS OF A SEEKER

I had been deliberately stagnant with my writing. I just kept on re-blogging and posting music for I’m still hesitant of expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings through the written word.

“Write as you talk,” seems like an adage for a journalism student.  We were also taught to write to express, not to impress.

I am not even a Journalism major, but why am I talking like this? I am a communication student with a major in Community Broadcasting. I really loved being a Broad major. I even miss every single thing we did before with my co-majors. Yet, there is still a part in me that says that I want to be a writer.

Writing is undoubtedly one of the hardest jobs in this world.  It must be easy to write but to be heard and understood, is difficult.  Writers are nothing without readers. We aspire to write to be heard. A written piece serves as a writer’s speech. A thing which cannot make a sound, yet speaks volumes.

Writing is also one of the most underpaid professions, which I think must be one of the greatest myths ever.  But it’s no myth, it’s just the ugly truth.

Okay, enough of my inexpressible longing to awaken the writer in me. I just want to share an entry in my journal. I’ve decided to again keep a journal. I miss writing using a pen and paper.  It’s still magical for me to feel the smooth surface of paper and to sniff the odd smell of ink. 

Dated August 12, 2011

Today, I made a hard decision. I’ve erased almost all of the secular songs in my laptop. Just a few were left. I can even count them, three or four, I think.

Secular songs are not necessarily bad, but too much adoration will cause you to stray away from God.

I have also deleted love songs and songs of heartbreak. I want to know what love is. I deeply do, but I know that I can’t find it on things that won’t last. Actually, most of the “love songs” that we thought as love songs are not really love songs.

They’re not about love. Some even have themes on sexuality or sensuality. True love is not like that. It is more than sex.

And of course, sex must only be enjoyed within the boundaries of marriage.

We live in a fallen world. Yeah, it is sad but it is true. With the knowledge I’ve got on how sinful this world is, I’ve almost lost the will to live. For who wants to live in an evil lair? 

Yet, I am not exempted. I am a sinner and I’m far from being a saint. Sainthood is not even a goal. We are all guilty. Christ is the only sinless being.

This world may be Satan’s domain, but I still believe that life is beautiful. It is still wonderful, not because of pleasures but because there is a living God.

Though, I’ve known about the dark forces of this world, I still want to see the light. I am still positive. There is a rainbow after a storm; and spring always comes after the winter.

For now, I just want to be deeply in love with the Lord. I want Him to captivate my heart. I want to be His woman and I want to love Him more.

So, I’ve deleted the secular songs which I hold dear in my heart. I am secretly a music lover. I love music so much that it can be one of the things I can’t live without. Music satisfies me and the absence of it, makes me dry. I’m just like a pilgrim in a desert longing for the oasis. As one of my favorite sayings goes like this, “Without music, life is a journey through a desert.”

Yet, it has been revealed to me that in Him alone, we can be satisfied. He quenches our thirst. And once we drink the living water, we’ll be thirsty no more.

Music has been a big part of my life. I cannot give it up. I’ve been a lover of secular music. The beat and melody of them are so addicting. But, I made a decision to relinquish them. 

It wasn’t easy for me, but I yearned to do it. I really want to fully submit my life to Christ. I no longer want to withhold a part of me. He created me which meant that He owns me. Everything that I have is His. My talents, gifts, time, intellect and all other things belong to Him. They are just lent treasures. I can never keep them and treat them as my own.

So, why would I withhold a part if all belongs to Him?

I want to give my whole life to Him and by surrendering my earthly cravings, I know I can draw nearer to Him.

I wouldn’t be anymore hurt if ever there would be people who would call me overreacting or hypersensitive. The opinion of this world really don’t matter to me now but the opinion of the Lord matters now and forever.

From this point forward, I want to do everything to please the Lord. Secular music and other earthly things will soon have their end but He lives forevermore.

I want Him to be first in my life. To do that, I have to be stripped of my carnality. I have to be poured out to be filled up!

And as a lover knows his beloved’s heart
All the shapes and curves of her even in the dark
Oh, You have formed one in my inward parts
And You know me, You know me, yes

- Audrey Assad, “Known”

“Oh, and as the exhilaration of autumn’s bite
Oh, You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
This is how it is with You and I
Oh, this is how it is with You and I…”

 - Audrey Assad, “Known”

By Ezra Mendoza

I’m barefooted

Got my toes dipped in the mud

That is not what I really wanted

It’s a part of me

Must be so special, so delicate, so real

I can walk in heels, in slippers, in chains

Inside me is imploring for the liberty I deserve

The freedom to be what I wanted to be

To do the things I ought to do

To run not in a maze but in an endless plain

My hands are naked

They might need to be protected

Was smooth, now rough

It doesn’t matter anymore

I like the way it is

Teach me not to ask for more

It wore no diamonds but it glimmers in the pitch-black night

And shines in the light-conquered day

It is handcuffed

It knows no will

For what other tongues would say,

what other eyes would see for the things ain’t seen?

Invisible chains are all over me

I’m just a bondwoman longing to be freed

A slave who has a master

A fish wishing it had never been caught in a bait

Is freedom really free?

It must be written in the air

I suppose the birds know

Wish I could talk with a robin and a sparrow

Hope they won’t fly till ‘morrow

Alas! I still have a pearl to throw

The ground is too holy for it

The sky doesn’t want it either

No human hand must touch it

It must return to where it belongs

But wait till I’m through in singing my own song.