RAMBLINGS OF A SEEKER

jcluforever: You are God’s Masterpiece. #jclu_4ever

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:15:21 +0800

You are God’s Masterpiece. #jclu_4ever

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent"

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:13:35 +0800

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”

- Victor Hugo (via aquaticwonder)

"She wants to lay there with someone else who will give her a reason not to be scared anymore,..."

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:08:28 +0800

“She wants to lay there with someone else who will give her a reason not to be scared anymore, someone who will teach her how to love and what it feels like to be loved. She wants to be someone’s one, as the Sun is to the Moon, the clouds to the rain and the Spring to the flowers.”

- Excerpt from Painted Faces By Charles Daaboul (via michaeldaaboul)

aquaticwonder: We are insignificant

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:06:54 +0800

aquaticwonder:

We are insignificant

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Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:00:27 +0800

jcluforever: My Salvation is the greatest gift of all!

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 15:59:27 +0800

jcluforever:

My Salvation is the greatest gift of all!

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Thu, 18 Apr 2013 15:56:35 +0800

kushandwizdom: Do you love quotes? Well, this blog is for you

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 15:50:07 +0800

kushandwizdom:

Do you love quotes? Well, this blog is for you

The "Dancing Queen" Dreams

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 09:38:00 +0800

A guy friend confessed a day ago that he was fumbling through my files when I lend my flash drive to him.

To his surprise, he saw my very privy files. One of those was a video of me dancing in the middle of the night at our dining room.

I was touched and overly flattered when he told me that I could be a competitive dancer…

To be honest, dancing is one of my hidden passions. I had dreams of being a professional dancer someday. But dancing is something I wouldn’t do while I’m still thin and while I’m still in the Philippines. I don’t have much confidence yet and I rarely dance in public. RARELY.

The dance profession is also something my mother won’t approved of. She ‘s always been ambitious and she doesn’t want me to settle for anything less.

We must admit that dancing is one of the most underrated professions in our white-collar profession-driven society (especially in the Philippines) but I deem it as something that takes intelligence. I know I have the skills but I am admittedly a slow-learner when it comes to knowing the exact dance steps.

I have great respect for dancers. They are not airheads as what some people think. I repeat, dancing requires intelligence. It is one of the many cerebrally-challenging acts.

The painstaking state of getting the thinking process be in sync with bodily movements…this is DANCING.

Debaters may think before they speak. Yet dancers think while they groove.

I love dancing so much. But it is a hidden passion. I’m still scared to show it.

I have many hidden passions and talents but I know the Giver doesn’t want me to hoard what He has given. I have to use them for His glory. But I am just not the type of person who flaunts what he/she has. I sometimes want to conform to people who are show-off.

I want to show what I’ve got at times. But I’ve come to a realization that God didn’t want me to be ostentatious. Showy display might be a cool thing to other people but not to me.

Psychology also provides an explanation for that. As an INFJ, I don’t want to be the center of attention. I’m not comfortable with being looked at. I am not likely to want much attention. Well, there are certain situations that I become a cynosure (indeliberately and deliberately). Sometimes I act that I am at ease but I am not.

I think it will take time for me to learn how to be truly a social butterfly as being one is a naturality for my dream job(s). But even if I don’t become one, I am content.

I don’t have to try or to even think to be a showy person. It is not my shape. God didn’t make me that way. I just have to be still. I have to be humble for in due time, God will be the one to lift me up. I know it is hard to embrace humility but I really want to be truly humble.

And of course, what I have hidden in the dark will sooner or later be exposed in the light. There is no such thing as secret. So if it is true that I am gifted and I want to give glory to the Lord, it will eventually show.

In conclusion, dancing is one of my skills. I also want to be a dancer. But dancing is not solely the thing that I am pining. It is performing arts - the art I consider to be the most wonderful among all arts.

However, that is on a personal note. More importantly, I’ve always felt that I have a “divine assignment.”

No matter how scared to death I am being onstage, I’ll claim that I’ll soon be there. The stage is my dream workplace. It is my ecstasy. It is the top of the world for it is where I’ll stand that will put me in a position so close to Heaven…

dancewmoonlight: Being a Christan is less about cautiously...

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 23:34:37 +0800

dancewmoonlight:

Being a Christan is less about cautiously avoiding sin than about courageously and actively doing God’s will. -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

leilockheart: by Prabal Gurung

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:42:29 +0800

leilockheart:

by Prabal Gurung

I NEED LOVE (On being single and ready to mingle)

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:41:00 +0800

I realized that no matter how hard I try to be a bravado in the romantic context, I am downright weak. I am very vulnerable.

I’m pretending that at 22, I’m strong enough to live with myself. I’m bluffing that I don’t need romance. I’m trying to look as if I’m perfectly okay not having a significant other.

Truth is, I already want to be in a relationship…I need love.

It is “romantic love” that I’m pertaining to. I always want to be crystal clear on telling what kind of love is being referred to as it has many facets. I am dying to love and be loved no matter how many attempts I’ve tried to detest it.

My avoidance could be deeply rooted from my Christian beliefs that with God alone, I can know what real love is; for God is love.

So I had an old-stock notion that even if I become an old maiden, I wouldn’t feel lonely. I would forever feel loved. I would be content with my singleness. I deliberately made myself a wallflower in the love department even if I am not.

To be honest, I am just too humanly not to feel lonely. It was when I was 20 that I first felt a prick in my heart that I want a partner. I felt lonely. I was lonely and I still am lonely.

But I have to count my blessings and claim that I am never lonely.

I am blessed with many friends. I have a loving family and relatives (though the rest of our bloodlines and my own home are sometimes chaotic). I have a church family. I have mentors. I have inspirations. I have even met people who were once strangers but were now seemingly my inexplicably closest confidants.

I feel loved. I have a strong support system. It was just me who was sabotaging my own happiness. But I kind of already had gotten over that. I’m not too hard on myself now. I am comfortable with myself more than ever. I am accepting my shape (literally and figuratively). I want to be nobody else but me.

I have learned to love myself. I am happier. I am loved.

But there is an aspect of love that I haven’t ventured in. It is that crazy, beautiful, blissful and indescribable thing – romance!

However, I had a disdain for romance films for they are too corny. I prefer Rom-coms because they are hilarious. I also don’t like mainstream love songs because they are sappy. I abhorred public displays of affection. I hate looking at couples kissing and helding hands. They are absurd to look at and the thought of them doing more than what they do in public is sickening.

In my eyes, romance was a scary and stupid thing. It was also gross when I have to think that lovers are transmitting microorganisms from and through the mouth when they kiss. Just so you know, I got this information from my Biology teacher in sophomore high school.

It left an impression on me that it would not be a healthy practice to exchange salivas with just anyone (so be careful who you kiss). I don’t even want to share a glass or any drink with my siblings. The thought of romancing was a gross thing.

At least, it was.

I have had many chances of being in romantic relationships but I let them all pass by.

I was just scared. I was just deeply insecure. I was sort of like being short of identity before. I have intrapersonal problems. If I can’t live with my own self, how would I get to be someone’s significant other?

I was also very self-critical. I always think that I am not pretty enough. I am not mature enough. I am not exciting enough. I am not attractive enough. I am not interesting enough. All these and more are what rang on my head as I try to count the reasons that it would be good for me not to be in a relationship yet.

I always say that true love waits. I am very candid in expressing that God will give me the best love story if I’ll wait on His perfect time. But to be truthful to the core, the feeling that I am not good enough is the number one reason that I’ve remained single since time immemorial.

Yet there was a fun part to it. I truly belonged to the made-up Single Ladies’ Club during my stint at a financial institution in Ormoc. I was also dubbed as an NBSB for No Boyfriend Since Birth. Having that title is something that I am taking pride (if “pride” would be valid for a Christian).

People also call me “Never Been Touched, Never Been Kissed.” And former officemates call me, “The Virgin.”

Oh! I’ll just let people say what they like. Common perceptions of me are somehow flattering. And I really find it weird that men were more puzzled than women in figuring out the reason of my singleness.

I remember the time when I was a college freshman way back in 2007. I lived in a campus-based dorm where I get to be with girls that I’m normally not comfortable being with. I was and still am not a girly girl. Well, it was only in the first week that I’ve been uncomfy with them but for the rest of my dorm life, I was more than at home.

Eiii…Save the drama next time. Tell the difference between guys’ and girls’ reactions now…

Okay…during our getting-to-know-each-other with my roommates, relationship statuses were asked as it was the juiciest and overrated subject matter. Only a few of us were NBSBs and when I told them how damn real an NBSB I am, the girls were shrieking.

They told me that they don’t believe me. They even had theories of my single blessedness. I was actually not into being the center of attention. I was socially awkward but I find those moments as funny and quirky. Girls are indeed emotional creatures.

Whereas guys or should I say men, are surprisingly more emotional than women at times. During my first week as a Departmental Analyst at a financial company in Ormoc, my male officemates were asking about my relationship status. They overreacted when I told them that I’m one heck of a single lady ever since.

They had different theories and even accused me of lying. “Overreacted” is exactly not the term as they were over-the-top on overreacting. They are no guys. They are men. Some already have wives so I didn’t put any malice on them being very interested in me.

I just had no idea that men could be very sissy in a way that they could react so much on trivial matters like a girl does. They made it a “big issue” and the discussion went on for almost a week.

WOAH!

They were unbelievable. But their discussions were really fun. I was really amused by men in their late twenties and early thirties being intrigued by my barely twenty one year-old self.

This was so last year. I am different now. I no longer want to be naïve. I am no longer a girl. I am more candid and frank in expressing my thoughts and feelings now.

I am assertive at times. I already know what I want. I now have a good grasp of my strengths and weaknesses. I am no longer ultra-conservative. I am liberated. But I am not saying that I am mature. I wish I could be but many are the times that I had still been gravitating to childishness.

I also don’t want to say that I’m Miss Goody Two-Shoes. I care so much about the Christian teachings on true love and godly relationships but as human as I am, I have mistakes.

True. I never had a boyfriend but I had a few flings. I had played a little. Singlehood had given me chances to flirt. I had dalliances. “Easy come, easy go,” as the cliché goes.

Flirtations had only given me temporary happinesses. In the end, I feel empty. It had taken a toll on my self-esteem. I’m left with insecurities. I’m worldly. I’m sinful. I’m hypocritical. I call myself a Christian but I don’t act like one.

It was so ironical when I had much moral convictions but I let my guards down. I am a very sensual and passionate woman. I won’t forever conceal it. I had shown it to my flings. But don’t get me wrong. I didn’t get to a point that I have indulged in a physical relationship. But purity consists not only of the physical but of the emotional aspect as well. I am an emotional whore. I am emotionally naked when I like a guy so much. I say what I feel. I am unfiltered.

And there’s a bunch of men that I really like. I can barely sleep when I’m thinking about them. Many times I had neglected sleep just to converse with them in virtual media.

It was in June 2012 that I first had a fling. I had gotten over him months later. And after that, I was flinging on and on with different men. What’s worse, I had attached myself to men who had relationships.

What I may have exposed to the light now isn’t consistent with the label people put on me. I don’t want to be Miss Goody Two-Shoes but I know I’d been Miss Goody Two-Shoes for too long as almost everyone thinks I am.

~~I have nothing to recompense.~~ Justifying my mistakes is not what I will do. I no longer want to hide the real me. I’ll be true to myself. I may not be coming clean but I am keeping things real. Some may call it tactlessness but I call it honesty. I prize honesty more than a squeaky clean reputation.

So the things I had just revealed aren’t praiseworthy. I must not be emulated by people younger than me. I don’t like what I did. I may have cried profusely for my imprudence and indiscretion but I have no regrets. I realized that there is always a lesson we can get out of the bad things that we do unwittingly or purposely.

I have learned not to judge people. And I am one heck of a judgmental and fault-finding person. I used to judge my sister for her short-lived relationships but she has squared herself a little now.

What goes around comes around. My words were like boomerang. They’re coming back to me now. People call it karma but I’d say that it is God’s chastening.

I was happy to be the liberated woman that I’ve always wanted to be but I somehow wanted to be my old self again. She was innocent and unsure of herself. She was chaste. She was conscientious. She believes that faithfulness in small things is important. She wasn’t covetous. She doesn’t take relationships lightly. She doesn’t play. She doesn’t have a casual attitude. She prays. She hopes. She was very patient. She was very honest…

But where is she now?

I cannot be totally honest if I don’t say that the man I loved for four years is still the one I love till now. Yes. He is still the one. I may have been admiring many men a lot. I may have set my eyes on them but at the end of the day, it is still him that I call my one true love.

But it is wrong for me not to let go of him. I have to move on. I may sound stupid but I will never ever write him off from my life. It is just not right for me to continue on hoping he’ll love me back when he perfectly made it clear that what has been between us was nothing.

And if I don’t empty my heart, the things that God has in store for me might not come in. The truest sense of clichés slowly fade as we always say the clichés but as cliché-ish as it gets: If you don’t get what you want, you deserve something better.

I can somehow see it now. I don’t want to say that I have a new love for love takes time. But I’d say that someone has inspired me so. But my past love wouldn’t be past because love is constant and eternal.

I love him for four years and counting.

And I’ll be brave to say that this write-up is a declaration that I am ready to love and to be in a relationship.

I’M SINGLE AND I’M READY TO MINGLE.

I mean it. It is not about words that rhyme. It is about time.

“Life is a flower of which love is the honey.” - Victor Hugo

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Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:30:18 +0800

leilockheart: by Albert Einstein

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:25:44 +0800

leilockheart:

by Albert Einstein

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Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:25:07 +0800

I am a night owl. :(

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:24:11 +0800

I am a night owl. :(

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Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:21:46 +0800

I need to swim to fly. Perplexing. But not to me and to those...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:20:00 +0800

I need to swim to fly. Perplexing. But not to me and to those who knew me well.

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Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:16:18 +0800

"NOTHING SAFE IS WORTH THE DRIVE."

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 11:48:00 +0800

“NOTHING SAFE IS WORTH THE DRIVE.”

- Taylor Swift, “Treacherous”